188 worries

  1. I still don’t understand the regression assumptions that J explained to me.
  2. It will take a long time for the manuscript to finish. If this happens with the 3rd and 4th, what do I do?
  3. This will go somewhere.
  4. This will not last.
  5. SNPs are still unknown; if I don’t know what to do with these two, what do I do?

Hello from the other side

I thought it was going to kill me. I thought it was going to strap me in a straitjacket in a room without windows (cue *NSync-Crazy). I thought it was going to send me back home without any degree, or even sanity. Who knows that few months later I can wave from the other side alive, without any cuts?

It is called depression, people said. Until now, I do not believe that I have it, although that line of denying thought never helps. Only the weaklings have it, only the non-religious have it, only the antisocials have it — and a thousand other stigma that go with it. I know for sure that I cannot convince anybody I know that it’s crippling, it’s eating you from inside without any proof on Xray films or MRI scans, or (maybe) it’s what the guy from Shutter feels. And I don’t need to convince anyone (hell, I can not even convince myself). I just need to vent it out here, now I am on the other side (hopefully for a very very very long time), that “how can I help?” is a thousand times better than “are you okay?”.

Day 19/30

Ini sih namanya bukan 30 hari menulis. Ya menulis aja. Seperti biasa. Biasa yang adalah siklus kekalutan pikir sana sini tanpa bikin apa-apa. Biasa yang adalah tau-tau ada yang sebaris kilat gembira diantara cericit asam si siklus kekalutan.

Tapi mungkin itu normal. Saya pikir juga demikian. Psikiater saya tidak sependapat.

Psikiater? Gila ya?

Sungguh kalau minggu lalu sempat mampir di kepala saya, rela-rela ajalah kali ya dibilang gila. Saat itu, rasanya di kampus cuma kepingin taro kepala di atas meja selamanya. Di rumah melingkar di bawah selimut selamanya. Kenapa?

Mungkin jawabnya adalah paper kedua yang ga selesai-selesai dan motivasi yang menguap ke bimasakti dan tak pernah kembali lagi. Mungkin jawabnya itu karena perfeksionisme dan ga mau susah itu harusnya ga ada di satu orang. Mungkin juga karena kombinasi ga mau susah tapi ga bisa (mau?) pasrah. Mungkin juga karena pertanyaan hidup ini buat apa belum juga ada jawabnya.

Mungkin memang ga ada jawabnya. Mungkin memang sebaik-baiknya manusia adalah manusia yang berusaha.

* ditulis di bawah kesadaran yang hari ini kayak abis disiram kaporit — padahal dia kemarin pergi lama, tanpa bilang sama siapa.